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| MAY 31, 2009
After Basileia and realizing how much of a hardened heart I had, I've been praying to truly receive from God more than ever.
Everything that I felt like I've grown cold to, I kept praying to God and asking him to just let my heart be opened to whatever the situation/thing was.
At Brooklyn Tabernacle, I was truly moved by God and really felt his presence. I don't really know how to explain it. In the beginning of the worship session, I was trying to take in the words as they were and trying to worship God with it. As the session continued, and the worship got more and more intense, I couldn't hold myself back from the tears that were falling down my face. That was something I couldn't do at Basileia this year. I was singing songs about not holding back my fears or my tears and I did anyway. But while Darlene Scheck was leading, I couldn't hold anything back and all I could do was sob and sing at the same time. I really meant every word that was sang, and if I didn't, I kept asking God to open up my heart so that I could receive from him. It was definitely a blessing and definitely something I needed to get off my chest because I'm never able to open myself up so freely despite the amount of people around me. Every single song that came up, I had to cry it all out, I had to absorb all of God in and cry all of myself out.
God's still working in my heart, getting all the nasty things out and just being willing and allowing me to choose to receive Him. | | |
| MAY 23 2009 - MAY 28 2009
It's been more third year of Basileia, all three: a very good experience; each year: very challenging time.
This year I joined the Encountering Jesus Track. Before I even joined the track, I wasn't as hyped up for the track as much as I was the past two years. I wasn't looking forward too much to it because of pride, and the lack of wanting to learn more. Entering the track, I came in with the wrong mentality, the wrong motivation, and by the end of it, I didn't learn as much as I could've out of it. I fell asleep or dozed off during many of the learning sessions because in my mind, I convinced myself that what we were learning was too repetitive. The book of Mark was what we learned about.
On the other hand, I really looked forward to evening worship; the praise team was great, the speaker Ashley Byrd was great also. We learned about Moses and the book of Exodus.
Throughout all the sessions, we kept learning about the disciples, Pharisees and people who needed healing. By the last day, we did a review on what we thought we were and how we should/can pray about it. In the beginning I thought I was like the disciple, who always asked and seeked (which is the secret of the kingdom of Heaven), and even though I didn't understand, I would keep going. Never in my mind did I ever think that I was like the Pharisee. Little did I know, the more I evaluated myself, the more I saw how I was like a Pharisee, my heart was hardened and unwilling to accept the things of God.
Because of my hardened heart, I was unable to focus on the words being preached, I was unable to receive anything Jesus wanted to give me. I wasn't letting God give me any blessings because I kept myself closed from so many things. During the last session of the track, they made a check list to see the goals that were accomplished throughout the retreat, and every single one of them were checked. I thought to myself: God really spoke to so many people through this track, and why not me? And then, I understood why.
More recent than ever, I've realized how much I've grown to close myself to many things, even learning the things of God and that's why I've been spiritually dry. That's also why I've been lacking much patience, love, and joy. I haven't allowed God to use me even though I wanted Him to so much. On top of that, my disobedience to his Will for me wasn't helping. All these things made me think a lot, it made me want to yearn for God's presence even more and make me want to receive from Him, and be able to accept it this time.
Thank God for Basileia, if it hadn't been for this, I still probably would've thought that I was like the disciple who was always asking and seeking (which I am) but still like a Pharisee, and I need God to break all of that.
Oh, and I also really like what Ashley Byrd quoted,
"At first we feel the conviction of sin, the more we harden our hearts, his voice starts to become more dull to us, then we'll feel lost and we know that we are from God because we keep saying no to Him."
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| God did not call us to be independent, but called us to be in a community. - Finney said that today. It's so true.
Lord help me be dependent on you. It's so hard. I keep trying with me, myself, and I. Lord, set me free from that. | | |
| Outstretched Hands - Starfield.
Take Me Away - All Star United.
Everything You Ever Wanted - Hawk Nelson
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|  This morning I woke up, and on the phone was a friend who told me, "Joan, let's take this time to do a little QT and spend some time with God."
I haven't done a quiet time for quite a while now due to the lack of many things, and I still wasn't in the mood to do it.
But I sat down, tried to gather my thoughts, and wrote a little something something, I wrote some feelings down and asked God to help me with it.
Sometimes, people just need a little push in order to get their life back on track, I know I do.
Thanks friend. :)
Current song & feeling. SET ME FREE - CASTING CROWNS.
Lord, SET ME FREE.
Another song: I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU - PHILLIPS CRAIGS & DEAN
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